Advice Regarding Minister Boyfriend

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When my husband was ordained a minister; an older, wiser, minister's wife shared valuable knowledge from her former years. I'm glad she did! She told my husband to listen to the discernment of the woman God puts to walk along side him. She went on to say that there may be times he can't see potential danger with the opposite sex, but your wife will. My husband and I were dating when she told him this, but since he knew I was the one and we would eventually marry, he treated me with the same respect.

I have also treated him respect by not complaining about every hug he received. In my early years, I had an aunt that shared her wisdom with me. She said, "If you never complain about all the little things, your husband will know to listen when you speak." I was young (approx. 10) and wondered why she was telling me this, but now I know this was one of God's ways of preparing me to be a minister's wife.

My husband and I have never had a problem with jealousy. I knew he would get hugs, and he knew I would get hugs. We're in ministry, and we're in the south. Southern Christians, hug a lot! However, with that being said, there are appropriate hugs and inappropriate hugs, and that is where it is important to listen to one another.

So, I guess the real question is this, "Do you feel this lady was giving inappropriate affection?" I know your answer is yes, or you wouldn't have written in to us. I have to say, while I don't know all the circumstances, I am inclined to agree with you. I think a hug, a kiss, and an I love you from the opposite sex to their minister is entirely inappropriate. A casual hug and an "I appreciate you" is appropriate given the right circumstances. There again, we can't know her heart or her intentions, but God will give you the discernment. I think He has!

You're right being a new creature means we think differently and act differently. We allow Christ through the Holy Spirit to work in us. You can trust Him at work in you, and you are safe to act under His authority. Truth and love are always right. However, love does not mean allowing inappropriate behavior. Truth speaks up and love is active (requires action). In this circumstance, it's not just about you and your boyfriend. It's about protecting him from appearances of evil, which will harm his ministry and filter down to the church.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend (minister) and tell him how you feel, and ask him to work with you. By that, I mean go ahead and decide together what you think is appropriate and inappropriate, how you will handle such situations in the future. Including if this woman comes up to him again. Help him determine what he can say to be kind, yet at the same time to let her know that he's not comfortable with her actions. It's better to correct one than to offend some. He is responsible for what he allows, and this is something the enemy can use to cause confusion and division within the body.

In twenty-five years of ministry, I've only had to warn my husband once! The reason is because he had set for himself some guidelines. He did this to protect himself, his marriage, his ministry, the church, and even the community. I think he was wise for it! Some examples of his guidelines are as follows: He never closes his office door if the opposite sex is present. He prefers my presence, a deacons presence, her husband, or someone else present, if he is counseling a woman. He doesn't face a woman who hugs him; he stands side ways and he doesn't embrace. He only offers one arm with light taps, so his hand isn't misunderstood. There are some good minister's manuals with such great advice in them. These books are full of wisdom for pastors from pastors who have already walked in their shoes and know full well what they might encounter. You might consider purchasing your boyfriend one of these books.

Make a commitment to trust each other's discernment in such situations. Let him know that you won't be nagging out of jealousy, but will let him know when you discern danger. If you are planning future marriage, God intends you to be a ministry team!

I'm here for you anytime, and I'm praying for you. Please let me know how you're doing, and let me know how things are going.

Love in Christ,
Tracie