Daughter Involved In Gay Relationship

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Dear Sharon,

My heart goes out to you! I wish I could give you a perfect formula to remedy the heartache and the whole situation in a matter of minutes, with no record of memory. But the truth is God is faithful! And when we hurt, it is never in vain. He has a purpose! He is with you and your daughter, and He will not forsake you! Keep looking to Him to be your guide, and He will use this too for good! He is a trustworthy God . . . this is my first response. It's what I tell myself in my times of uncertaintly, and every time without fail He proves Himself! The following is my second response, specific to your request . . .


The wise thing to do is to take action on her behalf. We have to be diligent to train our children in godliness; it doesn’t just happen. The world has far too great of an influence on our children. Our children are human and if they are left alone to be guided by the flesh they will be led astray from what is right and best. There is certainly an enemy who takes advantage of the world’s influence and the desires of the flesh to influence your daughter, as well. His goal is to see her destroyed through sexual perversion. You have every right to stand up and fight for your child. There are things you can do to help your daughter. Acting as if there were no problem, would be easy to do, but the results would not be good. To do the right thing is difficult, but your daughter is worth every effort. You said, “I want to approach this in a Godly, loving fashion but I still want her to know the seriousness of these actions.” This is exactly what God wants you to do. Love her, and teach her!


Eight Steps to consider:

Step One and Two:
The greatest thing you can do is to make sure that your relationship with Jesus Christ is right, and PRAY! I Peter 3:12 says, “For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.” Like David ask God to search your heart, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,” Psalm 139:23-24. While we can’t do anything to earn our salvation, we do have a responsibility in choosing holiness, and God is looking for those whose heart is perfect toward Him so He can show Himself strong on their behalf (2 Chronicles 16:9a). He can show Himself strong in this situation with your daughter, and He can use you to bring her closer to Him, and closer to freedom. She will be affected by your unhindered prayers!

Step Three:
Love her unconditionally, just as Christ loves us! Forgive her as Christ forgives. You said, “I was overwhelmed and I sent her to her father’s house. She has since repented and has asked to come back home. I miss her and I want to believe it, but her facebook page still has her and the girl on it (profile picture)” True repentance is a verb. It’s not only being sorry about what was done, but Is also a turning away with a heart to yield to authority and do what is right, even if it means facing the consequences of wrong actions. Christ loves us regardless, but He forgives us when we show genuine true repentance. You are truly in a difficult place, but it doesn’t sound hopeless. If she will yield to your authority and be willing to make changes, I personally would let her come home, but only with a clear understanding there will be some new rules.

Step Four:
Place boundaries in her life and make sure she understands them. At 17 years old and living at home, she needs to realize that you have been granted her authority by God, but I would approach her with much love and remind her that the boundaries are to keep her safe. The first boundary I would set is no communications with this other girl. From counseling women on this subject, their hardest struggle was letting the relationship, the person go. They wanted to believe they could overcome the problem and still have the friendship. This can not be! One lady I counseled tried, and was miserable until she finally left the relationship all together. Though she was heartbroken that sin had hindered her relationship, she enjoyed peace from a right decision. In your daughters case, the other girl will probably not understand. She may even be angry, but that’s okay. It’s the right thing to do! Your daughter’s question will probably be, “Aren’t we supposed to love everybody” Your answer would be, “Yes, as a human being but not as a friend.” Some people are not meant to be our close companions. Another boundary I would suggest is no internet for a season. I know I have taken the privilege from my kids, and they act like an arm has been severed. They get over it and are better for it! Your daughter will probably throw out all kinds of reasons, excuses, accusations, etc. as to why you should let her, but stand firm!

Step Five:
Add something new and good to her life. I believe very much when something is taken out of someone’s life, something else should be put in that place. In this case, I believe teaching her how to relate to God through quiet time, devotions, bible study, and prayer would be a good replacement for “the friend”. She would be blessed to learn early on that He is the greatest friend. As far as replacing the time on the internet, I think more mom/daughter time would be great. Certainly talk about what she’s learning in her quiet time and give her other scriptures to explore as she reveals things she’s going through, but also just have fun together! Have a picnic, go for a walk, go for a mani/pedi or give each other one at home. Look at lifeway.com and pick a movie with meaning and have a movie night with just the two of you. My daughter and I like to get take out sushi (or pizza), pick up pop corn and “movie candy” make a pallet and enjoy a couple of good movies (one of our favorites is End of the Spear). Take her to the coffee house and get her a frappachino, or go to the mall. I know life is busy, but this is a tremendous investment in your daughter’s life, and one you will greatly enjoy!

Step Six:
Educate yourself on the subject of homosexuality, and pass the information on to your daughter. As a teenager (and many adults) your daughter is probably making decisions based on emotion rather than facts. God tells us His feelings on the subject, and we need to make sure we understand His heart on the matter. If she is a Christian remind her that it’s sin, and Jesus died a cruel death to free her from this. She can enjoy the freedom now, and live the life that God has purposed and planned for her. She will learn His will for her life as she submits her body to him rather than her own desires (Romans 12:1-2).

Resources to help educate:

The Bible- The Bible shows us both in the Old Testament and the New Testament, without question, that homosexual activity is sin.

The Old Testament- The law of God forbids homosexuality: Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (Leviticus 18:22) Moreover, it is also clear that the Law prescribes death for this abominable sin: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. (Leviticus 20:13)

The New Testament- Romans 1:18-32 teaches the reason people are prone to homosexuality, and what God says they deserve when they continue in sin. God didn’t change His mind, verse 32 says they deserve death! It only takes one look at Sodom and Gomorrah to see how serious God is concerning homosexuality . . . He hates it! It goes against His institution of the family from the beginning!

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 also says that homosexual offenders will not inherit the kingdom of God, “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Verse 11 shows hope, repent of your sins and let Jesus wash you clean, let Him sanctify you (be set apart and let your life count for the kingdom of God), and trust that when He justifies, you are a new person who no longer has to submit to the desires of the flesh. In Christ, you are free to walk in the spirit (Galatians 5:16-24), and live a life of victory!

Also, there are ministries and organizations that have websites designed to help in this specific need. However, I wouldn’t give her free reign to find these websites on her own. I would suggest that you look at a few, print out some of the information, and share it with her, or you could use a child safety feature and allow only the websites that you choose. Here’s an example of a couple of websites. I don’t know much about either, so please check them out for yourself before sharing, exodusinternational.org & Stephen Bennett Ministries

Find testimonies of people who have overcome. Their story should show her that it is not like what the homosexual community wants you to believe. Sin is fun only for a season, and it always comes with heartache and destruction in the end. There are people out there who have been in it long enough to see Satan’s lies and they now proclaim truth to help others from going down this path.

Step Seven:
Remember your daughter has to make mistakes in order to understand the precious gift of Grace. While we want to protect our children, God will allow ugly things to come into their lives in order for them to see their need for Him. Some learn easier and quicker than others, some take a lifetime. Your daughter will have an advantage having a godly mother praying and acting on her behalf. Remind her often that you love her, but also let her know that you have expectations of her. Let her know she will reap benefits and blessings for doing right and she will suffer consequences, both from you and from God, when she chooses blatant sin. She needs to be accountable, and you mom, are the perfect one for this role!

Step Eight:
Rejoice in the One who gives new beginnings. He is faithful . . . thank Him and praise Him for every good step no matter how small. “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus,” Philippians 4:6-7.

Our prayers are with both you and your daughter. I’m sure other questions will come up as the two of you begin to communicate more. You are always welcome to ask your questions here, and please know, when we say we’re praying . . . we are!

May God bless and strengthen you.