Dealing With an Alcoholic Husband

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Sharon,

I wish so desperately I had an easy answer, or a simple 1 2 3 plan to help your husband and your family. I'm not familiar with the effects of alcohol and I feel very inadequate to help in that area. However, there are people I love dearly who grew up with alcoholic fathers. Here is my observation. One young man whose father was a drunk did not have a Christian mother. She was selfish and lived her life as she pleased. The young man grew up and found Jesus, but still lives with emotional scars of his childhood. Another young man, whose father was also a drunk had a godly mother. She was faithful to love her husband through her heart wrenching disappointment, neglect, and emotional abuse; she was diligent to use every opportunity to teach truth to her children, and not make excuses for their father. Yet with great care and balance she also did not condemn him in front of them; his mother faithfully got herself and four children ready for church every time the doors opened, and she faithfully served the body of Christ without talking about her husbands faults and failures. You see both young men had similar fathers, but because their mothers were so very different the outcome for their lives were so very different. This second young man grew up with godly convictions along with the discipline and love for the Lord to adhere to the Christian heritage his mother modeled for him. As far as his dad, he learned from him too, how not to act.

You said that you’re not sure what defines one as an alcoholic. The following is a definition from The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical Dictionary:

Alcoholism al·co·hol·ism (āl'kə-hô-liz'əm)n.
The compulsive consumption and physiological dependence on alcoholic beverages. A chronic, progressive pathological condition, mainly affecting the nervous and digestive systems, caused by the excessive and habitual consumption of alcohol.

This definition along with what you’re saying, tells us that your husband is an alcoholic. The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition continues to tell us, “. . . the disease, if left unattended, worsens and can kill the sufferer. Alcoholism is marked by physical dependency and can cause disorders in many organs of the body, including the liver (see cirrhosis), stomach, intestines, and brain. It is also associated with abnormal heart rhythms, with certain cancers, and, because of loss of appetite, with poor nutrition. The cause of alcoholism is very complicated and most often involves a mixture of physical, psychological, and possibly genetic factors”

The piece that stands out most to me is this, “if left unattended, worsens and can kill the sufferer” I can’t help but think about our enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He doesn’t care how he does it as long as he is successful. I’m not trying to “blame it this on the Devil” because I certainly believe that your husband has to take responsibility in this. I just want to remind you that in order to conquer this he needs some allies. This means you both may have to pull in some troops of other trustworthy Christians, such as your pastor. I know you said you weren’t sure about contacting them because they all highly respect him. I don’t know your pastor, but if he has been in the ministry for very long, he will be used to this kind of thing. I really don’t think you will take him by surprise as much as you think you would. I believe it will add some accountability to your husband that is so important. However, I wouldn’t do anything without completely covering the situation in prayer first, and then God will lead you in what He wants you to say and do. Do you think you’re husband would be willing to get help from your pastor or a Christian counselor who knows how to handle these type situations?

I am so glad that you recognize your desire to get back at your husband and hurt him is a temptation, and it’s not what God would want you to do. It wouldn’t be good for your husband, but it also wouldn’t be good for you or your teenagers. I was so thankful when I read, “I know this isn't the answer. I am hanging onto God as much as I can, and don't want to let Satan tempt me to do something I would regret.” You’re right anything outside of the Lord’s character, is something you would end up regretting. Just remember Jesus did everything in love, but He also did and said some harsh things (in love) to try to help others walk in truth. I love what James MacDonald says about speaking the truth in love. It’s straight to the point, but this is what he says, “Speaking the truth in love does not mean reducing the truth. It means disciplining yourself to speak the whole truth and nothing but the truth even if you are rejected for it. Forget your needs and get truth to the person you love, regardless of what it costs you. That is the most loving thing you can do.”

As hard as things are right now, you can be sure that God wants to love you and teach you through this too. Keep your eyes wide open. He’s always at work in our lives, every moment of everyday. He cares about every detail of our lives, and nothing get’s passed Him. The beauty of it all, He’s promised to work all things out for our good and for His glory, if we love Him! Remember, " . . . with God all things are possible." God will be with you. He will not abandon you.

In the long run, you can’t force your husband to do what is right. You can help him, you can encourage him, you can hold him accountable, you can let him reap the consequences of his actions, and you can pray for him diligently. But in the end, you are accountable for your actions. My greatest advice for you is to not neglect a single day in the presence of the Lord, both in prayer and in His word. Ask the Lord to fill those empty places your husband is leaving in your soul. Ask Him for advice, and direction. If you’re spending time with Him and listening, you’ll hear Him say, " . . . This is the way, walk ye in it!"

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